Hello, lovely humans! It is I, the Tooth Fairy. I’m sure you remember me. I’m the sweet fairy who made your youth magical. You’d lose an itty-bitty baby tooth, and I’d take it in exchange for a dollar while you slept. Can you not recall how happy you felt upon waking up and seeing a whole dollar under your pillow?
Unfortunately, times are not what they were. I can no longer provide my services as a Tooth Fairy without your help.
The fact is that your human teeth are worth basically nothing on the open market. We used to have departments in the magical realm that knew the key to getting an adult to believe in magic was getting them hooked on the idea at an early age, like smoking. Thus, I was paid to keep up the ruse.
Now I’ve been let go. I can’t say I’m surprised. Children are far savvier and less willing to believe in fairies than they once were. The fewer humans who believe in magic, the less power we have to transform into fairy tender. If only we ran on conspiracy theories! Our economy would be booming. Alas, we do not.
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I spent 100 years doing what I could to give humans a bit of magic. Now I need you, humans, to help me.
If you wish the next generation of children to wake up to the same experience you perhaps enjoyed, please consider signing up for my Patreon. By crowdfunding, I can pay my rent and keep doing what I do best. Please take a moment to look at my page. As you can see, you won’t donate human money. I have so much of that, and it can’t buy anything in my world. I need your belief, your wonder. This will be done the old-fashioned way described by celebrity fairy Tinker Bell: “You’ll clap if you believe.” Different amounts of claps (known as “c”) are attributed to different tiers of rewards.
If you pledge to the lowest tier (5 c), you will get digital copies of letters and drawings children have left for me. You’d be surprised by the memes you can create from their attempts to draw fairies.
The second tier (75c) gives you access to my nightly live streams in children’s rooms. It’s not as creepy as it sounds! I promise. I know some like to see my process.
Those generous enough to donate to the highest tier (200c) will receive a “gold” plated tooth from a child they helped make happy. I’m sorry, it can’t be real gold. Keeping it simple ensures patrons get their reward the month they sign up. Gold spells require time and child sacrifice, not a business model that works for me, as you can imagine.
I hope you find it in your heart to support me so I may continue my good work. Believe me, you want to do your best to keep me busy. An idle fairy is an evil fairy. You don’t want an evil fairy to visit you. They don’t leave money under pillows, just the fingers of your loved ones.
Writing dumb things to make you laugh
